what a pain in the chest
I feel like I’m going through a major transformation. As I commit myself to sharing my spirituality on this blog, my connection to Spirit grows stronger. My guides wake me up in the middle of the night to send me information, happy I am finally listening. I can feel myself growing into a role that I still don’t know I’m ready for.
I have to be honest, I still have my doubts as a Light Worker. I write about self-healing and being aware of your thoughts while my own growth comes in unpredictable waves. I know Ego is still strong in me.
Under the New Moon energy yesterday, I decided it was a perfect time to meditate and find the clarity I have been seeking.
30 minutes into my meditation, I began to focus on a part of my body prone to chronic pain: my chest. For more than a year, I have been struggling with an aching pain without a physical cause that a traditional doctor could find. It manifests as a burning sensation below my heart, sometimes radiating to my arm and face. It comes and goes, wanes and waxes, without obvious reason. After many tests and imaging, I understand now that, beyond a physical cause, this is where I store the deeply rooted traumas that I have yet to heal from.
I know this is true because I spoke to it.
I want to share my experience. Welcome to my head.
pain spoke to me
Deep in meditation yesterday, I created space to communicate with my pain. I opened my heart and soul so I could hear what it had to say. This is not the first time I tried doing this, but this time was special. Different– thanks to the New Moon. <3
In the vastness of the matrix, as I felt my usual aching pain, I heard it for the first time.
Without words, Pain cried to me: “Why do you hate me? What did I do?”
Surprised for a moment, I responded: I don’t hate you.
I felt Pain consume those thoughts and I watched it grow. Like a black bubble, expanding.
So I embraced him. Like I always do. I told I him I loved him, hoping that he might love me back enough to heal and go away. I read somewhere that Pain is your teacher and you must treat him with love and respect. So I tell Pain that I love him, that it’s okay, that I accept his teachings. I thank him for his blessings.
Still, he grows. Swallowing me.
He cries and I want to hold him like a mother holds her baby. I want to cry, too.
Just then, a new thought came to me: Am I… feeding this pain with my attention right now?
The ancient axiom says: energy goes where thoughts flow. If its true that you give energy to what you focus on… then I need to stop, NOW.
So, I stopped. I stopped feeding Pain my love and attention.
Sudden realizations came flooding into my brain:
What if I’m doing this? What if I was the one making this happen? What if… I’ve been unconsciously manifesting pain because I think I deserve it?
With this epiphany, I watched as Pain took a new, strange shape and transformed into a sucking black vortex. Darkness.
His mask fell off. He was exposed. It was Ego in disguise.
Ego screamed at me. “LIFE. IS. PAINFUL.”
It sounded like a distant memory.
the old way of thinking
I saw flashing images of my immigrant parents. I heard pieces of honest, drunk stories of war and trauma. I saw sweat on the brow. Stained, calloused hands and yellow post-its on a bedroom wall, scribbled with thoughts of suicide. I felt the desperate, heart-breaking desire to be more and have more, even in America.
At age 10, I learned that my parents worked so hard they wanted to die. At age 16, I watched my father actually work himself to death. I saw that life is painful. I learned that if life is not painful, you are not doing it right. Life is suffering even up until the very end. Etched into my brain, this seed of an idea was allowed to grow and thrive and prosper. It became a part of me.
a new way of thinking
Again, Ego screamed at me, drowning the influx of past images and thoughts.
“LIFE. IS. HARD.
LIFE. IS. PAINFUL.”
No, I thought to Ego. I disagree. You are wrong.
I shouldn’t have to work so hard. It’s not true that life has to be painful. I am deserving of a carefree, fun life. I am deserving of a carefree, fun life. I am deserving of a carefree, fun life.
I choose to reprogram this truth of mine.
plugging up the hole
Ah, if only it were that easy.
Ego continued to scream at me, a black hole begging for more darkness. And I finally understood. You can never satisfy a black hole. It eats everything you offer to it, even love, and takes it nowhere. My Ego truly believed that we need pain to live a purposeful life. I tried to tell it that it was wrong, but my words fell through, disappearing to a place I couldn’t reach.
The vortex in my body was eating everything. No matter what thoughts I came up with, Pain and Ego stole my positive affirmations to feed itself. My physical body could feel itself being drained, its energy being stolen by a concept of the mind.
I had to plug the hole. Whatever that fucking meant, I just had to do it.
So, I visualized. In my mind, I created a giant brown wine cork and jammed it hard into the soul-sucking hole of darkness. I made this happen again and again, until the waters of my mind and body stopped flowing freely down the drain. I finally did it. The pain began to lessen as light and healing poured into the empty space.
Now that I plugged up the hole, I could feed myself loving and kind words and absorb them fully. I could reprogram.
Still deep in meditation, I repeated to myself:
“I shouldn’t have to work so hard. It’s not true that life has to be painful. I am deserving of a carefree, fun life. I am deserving of a carefree, fun life. I am deserving of a carefree, fun life.”
And I embraced the physical, spiritual, and emotional shift swelling of transformation inside me.
your mind is powerful
Our minds are so imaginative and powerful that my experience of this meditation could never repeat itself or be replicated. I share my experience not for others to try the same meditation (although- feel free to!), but to show that these kinds of encounters, epiphanies, and healing can come from a deep state of meditation. Affirmations and manifestations are infinitely more powerful when you’re in the theta state.
I’m in a different dimension when I meditate. In my world, Pain manifests as its own entity and is synonymous with my Ego. The more I give it my focus, the deeper I fall into its grip. It feels like an endless pit and that I could never truly explore its depths without being consumed by its infinite darkness. I came to the realization that the darkness never ends, just like the light never ends. The more you focus on something, the more it grows.
Yesterday, during meditation, I learned how to visually plug that imaginary hole of darkness with an imaginary cork of light and it fucking worked.
I had to bring light to the limiting belief that was manifesting the pain. Then I decided what my real truth was. The visualization helped me plug up the energy I was giving to darkness, so I could consciously shift my consciousness from one end of the spectrum to the other (dark to light) and claim my truth. The pain went away, even if just for awhile. I am prepared to make this a ritual, since healing takes time. Either way, our minds are absolute magic!!
If you experience chronic pain without a physical cause (like, please be 100% sure with your doctor) then I can guarantee that it is emotional pain manifested in the physical body. Chronic pain fucking sucks and I feel you. The first step to healing is to fully accept that there might be a deeply rooted trauma within you that is manifesting the discomfort. That, sometimes, is the hardest part.
I could go on for days. I have more to share, but I’ll have to write a separate article about chronic pain. Since I only had this meditation yesterday, I promise I will come to a more conclusive understanding and share everything I discover! Thank you so, so, much for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoyed learning about this experience I had during meditation. I hope it inspires you to establish your own daily meditation practice because the mind is capable of limitless healing and creation!! You just have to tap in!!